Autobiographical Commentary

I've been writing and teaching about the dynamic of conscience and its spiritual significance since 1993. An event took place in the summer of that year that changed my life and initiated this work. Early one morning I experienced a sudden infusion of understanding. This interior event lasted only a split-second, and it involved no religious theme and no unusual phenomena such as visions, voices, energies, or altered states of consciousness. Within that same span of time I agreed to cooperate with the understanding that had been granted, knowing that in doing so my life would never again be the same.

Since the infused understanding had been "communicated" instantaneously and without words, I initially lacked words to describe it. Yet, the understanding itself was as clear as a bell. I had been made aware of a relational dynamic that plays a critical role in our lives.

From birth each of us wants to be seen in a certain light. You could say that we want to be loved, but it's not quite so simple and pure as that. We want to belong on our own terms, and we confuse our terms with love and wisdom.

Above all else, we are relational creatures, and we want to attain and preserve a certain standing or status among our friends, family, and wider social circle. This is our basic agenda, and it becomes the foundation upon which we establish our lives and reputation. We will do our best to avoid anything that threatens our agenda.

Our agenda is not something we arrive at after careful and wise consideration. It's a mechanical desire, and we become mechanical as we pursue it. Thankfully, this mechanical agenda does not characterize us entirely. We are also born with a capacity to discern the living truth. This capacity has been recognized by many to be the conscience. Conscience is our most intimate point of contact with the living truth, which is nothing less than Divine guidance.

The "voice" of our conscience is not mechanical, and it does not lead us into alienation as our preferred agenda does. Instead, by following the guidance of our conscience we enter into a condition of authentic relationship. Our mechanical agenda and our conscience are fundamentally opposed to one another. This helps to explain our spiritually fragmented condition. As long as we remain stubbornly attached to our agenda we will resist the life our conscience is calling us to enter into.

I use the terms relational dynamic and dynamic of conscience interchangeably. The relational dynamic I am describing here involves self, others, and God. When we resist our conscience and pursue our agenda we alienate ourselves from self, others, and God all at the same time. When we sacrifice our agenda and follow the guidance of our conscience we enter into authentic relationship with self, others, and God.

The problem is that we assume our agenda is good. Our ordinary life arouses little or no suspicion in us; yet, it becomes the primary means by which we resist our conscience. The living truth asks us to go left, but if we do that we might lose face and jeopardize our plans. We go right instead, and we repeat this fundamental choice over and over again. Our friends and family might think favorably of our choices. Why in the world should we upset the apple cart of our lives by questioning our agenda and allowing that pesky voice of conscience in? We do not chronically resist our conscience by robbing banks, at least most of us don't. We do it by following our preferred course in life.

I mentioned earlier that the infusion of understanding I had undergone involved no religious theme. My spiritual interests prior to the interior event were focused on the teachings of eastern non-dualism. I had no desire to become a Buddhist or a Hindu, but I was very interested in the foundational principles and practices of Buddhism and Advaita Vedanta. Following the interior event, however, my interest in eastern spirituality came to an abrupt halt. I could now see the critical flaw in the eastern non-dual approach.

Two days following the interior event I had a dream. Though it also had no religious content, the dream made me think of Jesus Christ. I was not personally interested in Christianity, but I located a Bible and began to read from the Gospels. In those pages I quickly recognized the very same relational dynamic that had been revealed to me.

Two weeks later I attended a Catholic Mass, which was an extremely unlikely thing for me to do. I had been raised as a Catholic but had not participated in the Church since my youth. During the Mass something registered within me. It was subtle, and I did not give it much thought. As I left the Church that evening I had no intention of returning.

The following morning I awoke to find myself spontaneously reciting the Hail Mary, a prayer I had not said since I was a young boy. I looked in the phone book and found that the downtown Cathedral offered a morning Mass. I arrived early, and as I entered a recitation of the Rosary was in progress, and the Hail Mary was being repeated over and over. Following this Mass I knew that I would return.

The above sequence of events briefly describe how the dynamic of man's conscience, and its link to the revelation of Jesus Christ and the Catholic Church was brought to my attention.